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help myself deal with and live with my Bi Polar and other Mental and Physical
problems.
I have Bi-Polar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety Attacks,
Agoraphobia, Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis and worse of all I am also very obese.
Every day I battle to live a "normal" life. Who really knows what "normal" is? I always
thought I was "normal" But now I know there is nothing "normal". It is each persons
perception of what is normal in their minds.
To me it would mean not having to take all the medicine that I have to take and to not
be afraid of crowds, or going to the store or sometimes even afraid to leave my house
except to go to work. Which, sometimes I have to make myself go to work even though
I don't want too. But I have to go to work because there is no one to take care of me. I
am the only person I can depend on.
It would be nice to feel like there was anything in this world that could make me feel
happiness, not feel numb inside.. To not feel the awful nagging pain every day of my
life from the Fibromyalgia, Obesity and Osteoarthritis. To be able to trust people and to
make friends and enjoy being with them. Not hiding out in my house, so that when
someone knocks on my door I wouldn't go into a complete panic and run and hide in
my bedroom, hoping they will go away as my heart races and I can't breath. To not
have days or even weeks where I can't even get out of bed because I am so
depressed, that I don't even want to live anymore. I would care about how I looked
and take care of myself and care about cleaning my house.
There is so much more that I could have done in my life if I had known alot earlier in
my life what was wrong with me and would have gotten help. I thought my life was
"normal" and everyone thought I was just a creative, moody smart, humorous,
outgoing, person. All the while I was putting on a mask when I was around people,
when actually I was manic or so scared that I would try to make everyone like me by
making them laugh.
No one knew how I really felt inside. I started so many things in my life and could
never follow through because I would start them when I felt like wonder woman but
when I felt like there was no reason for me to even be alive then I would not finish
what I started. That is why I haven't achieved as much in my life as my mind is really
capable of achieving. I am a really creative and intelligent person and I love to learn
about everything I can, but when i get into the deep depressions then I lose all hope
and can't go on. I could have a good career and be making alot more money than I
am now and have a job that i enjoy not just a job so I can make money. I would love to
have my own computer repair shop and also teach people how to use computers, I
have been told by so many people that I should do this, But I am scared to try because
what happens when I get depressed and can't handle it.
I could not even have any long term relationships, because I was so unpredictable
and I was very insecure and very jealous. Back then I would try to self medicate with
alcohol. I didn't know that I was trying to self medicate at the time. I would get very
outgoing and I couldn't stop drinking once I started. I would have to drink till I passed
out or all the alcohol was gone. I had no inhibitions while drinking, no panic attacks,
no pain, I was always the center of attention when I was drinking and I loved it.
But there were also times when i would drink and just break out crying for no reason
and couldn't stop crying there was total depression. The bad part of it all is that I
wouldn't remember doing anything I ever did when I was drinking. I would have to find
out the next day from the people that were there all the things that I did. I would end up
sleeping with any man that paid attention to me, I would think that they loved me.
I look back at my life and wonder how I am even alive. I put myself in so many bad
situations and did alot of very stupid things. because of my Mental Disorders.
I am so glad that I finally met someone that realized that there was something wrong
with me and insisted that I get help. He doesn't realize how much he helped me
change my life by helping me realize that going to a Psychiatrist doesn't mean you are
crazy. That is what I thought, until he told me that there could just be a chemical
imbalance in my brain. He knew this because his daughter is Bi-Polar.
I wanted to make a web site that will help others to understand or recognize the
symptoms in their family or friends and hopefully be able to get them some help.
It might be tough for someone with any mental disorder to admit that they need help.
Even if you have to make the appointment for them and go with them then do it. They
will thank you later, even though they might not like you at this time.
I am doing so much better the last 6 years since I was diagnosed and have been taking my meds.
I don't have all the problems I had mentioned in the above paragraphs.
I have been alot more stable with my moods and thoughts. More about me
June 26 2005 Copyright@ Kdnic.com
